I had half the mind to privatise this entry. At last, I didn’t. I chose not to or at least told myself not to be ashamed of my feelings.
More than 2 years ago, I went for counselling; to counsel myself out of anxiety attacks and worries. Honestly, that should be one of my most carefree times in life yet I was feeling down with stress and anxiety attacks. I/We called it attacks because it comes suddenly and at any time. One vague moment which I remembered was there was this day when I was having great fun at the arcade and suddenly I just felt uneasy and a looming extreme fear and worry. I woke up everyday feeling that i have a whole lot to worry and the physiological registers – rapid rapid heartbeats. This worry became so strong and I knew something was wrong with me. I cried over it cause it sucks having to feel worry about something (yet nothing) everyday. The unawareness of what’s causing those worries was the most hateable and feared cause that would mean I would possibly not be able to get myself out of this cycle of worries.
Now, I hardly remember the exact details of the incident except for a few more detailed incidents. I went back to a blog of mine which was once granted only to my partner then. With the havoc english then, I managed to recall bits and pieces of the emotions of the incident which carried out for almost 2 months before I seeked help.
A short abstract I’ve gotten from the private blog (pardon me for my awfully bad english then..not that it’s good now but it was worst..)
11January2007
” jUST IN 2 DAYS, i tot things thru..why am i so worried?
im just fearful of losing!
i think the counsellor was right!
my life is filled with so much uncertainty now!
im unsure of my future now.
everybody gives me bad comments on psychology,
all of a sudden, i have lost the goal of my life.
Even for the short run, I have no idea where my world would actually go.
I have no fixed plans. No guides. Felt lost?.
Thats y im feeling lost.
And probably the thing why i am so worried on getting a job and going for interviews is because im just so fearful of rejections. Rejections to me is a kind of failure! And for me…its just so hard to tolerate FAILURE!…i cant pardon them, cant forgive myself in facing these failures.”
I remembered how I typed that entry through though. With each thought, I paused and ponder for long..cried while I typed the entry. It was an awful feeling not knowing what’s wrong with yourself yet you feel consistently on the worry.
The counselling moment was, however, unforgettable. I was impressed with the way the counsellor managed to get me talking. She drew a few objects on a piece of paper ..each signifying a symbol or goal that one typically would love to have in the future. There were houses and cars.. I vividly remembered she asked me if I would forsee myself owning a car. And I replied ‘of course’ immediately. Yes, those were the days when you were naive and still having great dreams of your life. Life hasnt been that innocent before. We came to this moment where she discovered what went wrong with me; the constant need of being competitive. I broke down at each of the questions of hers ” so why isnt sleeping a constructive usage of time?” I got stucked and I cried through half of the counselling session.
But trust me that the counselling session was therapeutic. It was a bonus when it was raining outside after i finished my counselling. It was soothing and i told myself not to forget the day’s counselling at least.. not so soon. I gotto walk out of those worrying days.
Yet today, i’m back to a same kind of weird emotions again. Perhaps, cognition. It[s not exactly getting worried this time round. But I get into the ‘upset/depressing/crying’ mode a few times a week. There is no fine line as to what’s happy and what’s not for me these days. For being happy, there’s only one thing and all the others in my life just makes me feel so unhappy. The tension in me builds up on a higher wave each time. I cry suddenly, as and when at the same few topics. And the topics get building up.. to the extent that these days I honestly see no worth in myself. Myself, family, skills, dance, future……….. It’s a miserable feeling knowing that you have nothing to be proud of, with your future becoming dimmer, with your interests jumping at you and swearing you off that you’re not good enough, with you not being able to do things you dream of doing. And as a result of all these, I cope with an amazingly weird habit. Doing that makes me feel guilty but after a while i tell myself… i deserve it especially from the people I hate. I know it’s unhealthy but I can’t resist for making myself feel better. I get angry with so many things around me. Attributing all the negative incidents to myself. There were moments that I can’t study anymore coz there’s a drop of confidence inside me that says ‘you wouldn’t do well no matter how u study’. And I hate to know that i’m nothing.
just nothing.
when i watch what others have to be proud of..
and it hasnt been so easy to cry…
I can’t wait to hate you
make you, pain like i do..
still can’t shake you off..
I can’t wait to break through
these, emotional changes..